Monday, September 9, 2013

Real Talk (or when I sound depressed but really I'm just brainstorming)

Growing up, I never really had to try hard at things. Good grades came without much fuss over homework. I had a crazy metabolism so I didn't really worry about what I ate. I didn't care much about having popularity because I loved the friends I had. 

I never really thought too much about the future beyond the basics: I would have a ton of money. Enough money to have a guest house that my mom would live in.

I had no plans on how I would get there or what I actually wanted to do with my life but I knew that's where I'd end up.  Presumably because I never had to think much about how I got where I was going, I just got there. Always. Without fail.

And then there was college.  I struggled with my studies because I had never had to study before in my life. But other than that I just sort of plugged along. I never thought about my major (psychology? really?) or what I wanted to do after school (clinical psychologist...duh).  But really I never loved the subject or really tried to get farther into it.  I simply had a good teacher in high school who inspired me to make this decision and stick with it.

Towards my senior year, I realized that I had very little interest in going into my chosen field but I also had even less interest in staying in college any longer than I needed to.  So I graduated, content in the effort, or lack thereof, that I had put forward.  

I found a job in customer service in Grand Rapids and stayed until they laid me off a year later.  And then I started trying. In that I applied to at least 3 jobs a day until I finally got the call to Chicago to join the ranks of the customer service crew here.  I love working at the company I'm with and I've since been promoted. Okay, cool. 

But do I have any idea what I want from my future? In a vague sense, sure.  I want a house. I want to live close(r) to my family. Uh. that's about it.  Not much further than I was in High School, right?  Except that there's a major difference in my awareness.

I'm aware that I have no self discipline.  I don't stick to projects past a month or so (see also: blogging).  I look at the ending more than the middle and I get upset when I don't immediately get the gratification that I was searching for. But I can't help it. I'm a product of my past. And I never had to try before and it's kicking my ass now.  I would love for someone to guide me to what I should be doing.  I wish there were life aptitude tests (that don't wind up with me working in chain saw operations).

I would love to be more creative and stick with it (but have no idea how).  I would love to have a goal that I'm striving toward or a plan on how to get to that fictional place of achievement.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy in my life.  I love the lot I've been given.  I just don't know what to do now.

I love baking.  I researched a food truck.  But no one really thinks it's a logical idea, and it probably isn't.  I'm not the most amazing baker in the world.  I'm okay with that.  because it's not something I'm trying that hard to do.

I love parties.  I love themes. I love crafts for them. I love making people happy. But I don't really have a background for it outside of my few and far between soirees. It's hard to practice parties when you have only a handful of friends (AMAZING WONDERFUL CARING INSPIRATIONAL FRIENDS) and they're scattered across multiple states.  Plus, duh, I've never learned how to work towards things anyway.

I love figuring things out.  I enjoy seeing a problem and having people tell me they won't help me solve it. All that means is that I need to figure it out on my own. Within a scope - technology.  I like figuring out HTML. I actually loved doing XML coding for an internal program at work (to make pretty colors of course). But I really only care about fixing things that bother me personally. Or making things pretty I guess.

Okay, so this exercise in brainstorming has gotten me to a conclusion with what I enjoy. 

I enjoy making people happy.  

I love working extra hard on little things that no one ever notices and making them great. I go above and beyond on a lot of things that don't matter to most people. Like planning events at work for charity. And by events, I mean decorating plastic cups for NFL teams or creating massive scavenger hunts.

Now, quick, someone formulate a goal for me out of all of this.  Lord knows I won't do it myself.

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