Tuesday, June 7, 2016


I'm not sure what it is about my personality, but when I enjoy something I immediately attempt to recreate that something.

Here's what I mean - back in the day, I liked reading blogs so I thought to myself "Hey, I can be successful at that" and started a blog. Obviously, that didn't pan out. But it happens ALL the time! I listened to a few podcasts and decided I wanted to do podcasts (RIP the unheard Series Regulars Podcast). I see multiple instagrams are a thing and I start 3. THREE. I also have several twitter parody accounts floating around out there somewhere.

So the question is, when did simply enjoying things become not enough?

Thinking about that, the answer is always. I've always been like this. I'm an arrogant son of a bitch when it all comes down to it. I've always been quick to pick things up and therefore I think that applies to literally everything ever.

Sadly, when I'm met with resistance or difficulty, I give up. Or boredom. Boredom kills all hobbies. How do you push past boredom and discover true passions? Especially when you're operating under the illusion that EVERYTHING IS YOUR PASSION.

Maybe it stems from my childhood desire to be ~famous~ or at the very least be well known. But statistically speaking, how often does that actually happen? And how often does it happen to someone who starts a blog with the intention of "making it"? Hardly ever, if at all.

Luckily, I'm no longer operating under a false sense of grandeur when it comes to this blog. I post pretty much never and I'm at the point where I'm talking to my non-existant "audience" as though you're my internal monologue. I literally just called this post a 'brain dump'. So, that's a thing.

I'm not going to be #internetfamous. I'm not even going to be #friendgroupfamous. And that's okay. You probably won't be either - and that's also totally fine! Stop working to please the people that aren't paying attention to you and work on building something you can be proud of. Like a really good instagram theme....wait no. Not that.

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

White Noise

I don't like silence.

You might be thinking, "Cool - me neither." But no, no, you're not understanding me. I abhor silence.

If John and I are driving across the state to visit our families and he's had a long day and wants to just chill out on his phone, I get upset. Because I want to TALK. Constantly. About anything. About nothing. It drives him crazy sometimes and I understand that he appreciates being able to relax so I'll play the alphabet game on my own while I drive. (You know the one - where you see a letter in a sign and say "A" - "Lansing" "B" - "Burger King").

When I was in high school, I won 2 superlative awards and was allowed to pick which one I wanted to represent me for all time. One was Class Clown and the other was Most Talkative. Not wanting to be known forever as the girl who couldn't shut up, I chose to represent my class as a clown.

If you read my report cards from grade school you will see that my teachers loved me. I was smart, I worked hard but I never stopped talking.

I once got detention for spelling words out-loud from the crowd during a spelling bee.

Sometimes, when I'm anxious about silence I run through the American Sign Language alphabet with my hands. Partially because it feels like talking and partially because I'm hoping someone will ask me what I'm doing so I can speak.

Now that you have a clearer picture in your head about how crazy I am about silence let me tell you why this is important - I work from home. I have no coworkers and very limited conversations with my colleagues. Sometimes, they even meet without me and have conversations that I could contribute to and with my vast talking abilities.

So I watch youtube videos while I work, and rewatch tv shows on my lunch break, and as soon as John gets home I resume never shutting up. At very high volumes because I haven't spoken outloud enough during the day.

And this thought has been eating at me lately. Like maybe I talk too much. Or maybe I have too many thoughts that I need to express and not enough outlets to do so. And then I remembered that I have a blog. So I can write here as though I'm having a conversation with a friend. Or maybe it's more like that sign language thing and I'm talking to myself. Either way, I think I'll try to use it more. But I'll expect less.

Yeah, that's the ticket.
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